Time to lighten up

[AreliusIV]

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a
good job of putting that figure into perspective on one of its releases:

A billion seconds ago, it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington
spends it.



Christmas was fast approaching when my good friend Dawn reminded her
eight-year-old son Ken that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus.
He seemed unusually resistant to the idea.

"You do believe in Santa, don't you?" Daw finally asked her son.

He thought hard, then said, "Yes, but I think this is the last year."



"Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man
doesn't have to experience it." - Max Frisch

"We musta had the wrong ticket. The man at the door got mad
and tore it in half." -- Phil Istine

"My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
signed." - Christopher Morley

A pessimist is an optimist who's been to Las Vegas.

If I don't have any money to pay her, will my psychic know it?
--Lawrence Brotherton



When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying
to piss you off...

Remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to extend your finger
and flip them off.



Used by the Employer...

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do t.


Used by the Employee...

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I can make my own coffee.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I only pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.



A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin
of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister
asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16
chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."



Preacher said:
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the
river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and
throw it in the river" .
Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"
The preacher sat down.
The deacon then stood up & said:
"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing,
'We shall drink from that river''. THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUYA!!!!!

[montgjules]

What's really going on inside your computer:
http://www.newportharbor.us/computerworks.htm

[AreliusIV]

* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire
without losing your place in line.

* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day
off .... even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have
little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the
car driving next to you.




An elderly lady called Verizon to say that her telephone failed to
ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it
did ring, her dog always barked before the phone rang.

A telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, being curious to see
this psychic dog and/or a senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby
telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's
house. The phone didn't ring but the dog barked loudly and then the
telephone did ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an
iron chain and collar.
2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
phone number was called.
3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinate
on the ground.
4. The wet ground would complete the circuit and the phone would
ring.

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just peeing on
them.




Two robins were lying basking in the sun.

A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten
complained,

"Mama, I'm soooo hungry, what can we eat?"

To which the mama cat, spying the two birds, replied....

"How about some ... Baskin Robbins?"





Melrose Drive , Tullamarine , Victoria . January 16th 2006 : 14.35
hours :

Highway patrol pulls over a Workcover Inspector for doing 68 in a 60
zone. Workcover Inspector says nothing and cops it sweet accepting
the $50 ticket. Policeman finishes writing ticket and proceeds back
to his car...........

Workcover Inspector in the mean time, gets digital camera out of bag,
photographs the cop and proceeds to the police car where he issues
the Policeman with an $800.00 fine for not wearing his hi-visibility
vest when leaving his vehicle in a high traffic area.





A rabbi and a priest are traveling together.
The priest says to the rabbi," I have a question to
ask you. Why is it that everybody thinks Jews are
smarter than Gentiles?"

The rabbi, who is not up for an argument, says, "I'm
sorry, but I am just a simple rabbi and I'm not really
able to participate in such a discussion."

But the priest insists. "Look, no harm meant rabbi,
but I have a theory and I need to test it out in the
form of a bet. I'll pay you $100 if you can ask me a
question that I can't answer. But if I can ask you a
question that you can't answer, you must pay me $100."

The rabbi replies, "But I'm a poor rabbi - I only have
$10 on me."

The priest hesitates then says, "OK, rabbi, it's my
$100 against your $10."

The rabbi realizes he can't get out of this so he
agrees, but on condition that he asks the first
question.

The priest agrees.

"OK," says the rabbi, "what animal has scaly skin, the
body of a cat, the face of a squirrel, the ears of a
mouse, webbed toes and swims underwater?"

Surprised, the priest admits that he doesn't know and
asks the rabbi for a few more minutes to think about it.

The rabbi agrees.

Two minutes later, the priest takes $100 from his
wallet and gives it to the rabbi.

The priest then asks the rabbi, "So what animal was it?"

The rabbi replies, "How should I know?" and gives the
priest $10.




A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran
into the house. All excited, she slammed the door and shouted at
the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "That's fantastic, honey, what should I pack,
beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out!"




While being transferred from the county jail,
a prisoner escaped. Witnesses say an accomplice
threw breath mints at the guards until they
became distracted, and the man made a run for
it. A spokesman said the officers were not
accustomed to these kinds of diversionary Tic Tacs.




How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
100. 99 to peel the M&M's and one to mix the batter!



A couple are reading the paper, the wife says: This article on overpopulation of the world says that somewhere in the world there is a woman having a baby every four seconds! Her husband not to appear uninterested said; I think they ought to find that woman and stop her!




A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred
is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly,
"Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided
to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure
enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."






A University of Utah student was visiting a Yankee relative in
Boston over the holidays.

He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting
to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to
school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or
southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The Utah student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES
YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"





A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with
rugged masculine features.

When she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on
fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump jammed up
his bum.





The God of thunder rode forth one day

Upon his fearsome filly

"I'M THOR!!" he cried

His horse replied

"You forgot your thaddle thilly !"




My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."




If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never
behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or gave birth to it.





I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who
do.

For the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'"





Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy,
wealthy, and wise."

Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a
quitter."





A University of Utah student named Ed had been trying to graduate
for 20 years. He finally went to the dean and said there must be
some way he could graduate. The dean agreed and said he would ask
him one question at the end of the week. If Ed got it right, he
could graduate.

Everyone at the school as well as lots of alumni knew Ed, and word
got out about the one-question exam. Since everyone wanted to see Ed
graduate, the school decided to ask him the question at Bryant-Denny
Stadium. That Friday, the stadium was full as Ed and the dean walked
to the center of the field.

The dean said: "Here is the question: What is 2+2?"

Ed began to fidget and sweat. He finally said, "Four?"

Everyone in the stadium rose to their feet and yelled, "Give him
another chance!"







Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room after
dinner, watching TV, as usual.

I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."

So, she got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.






A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to
be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

[AreliusIV]

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one
small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have
any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said:

"I outlived the *****es."




When short hemlines came back into fashion, my old girlfriend dug an
old miniskirt out of her closet.

She tried it on, but couldn't figure out what to do with her other leg.




A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked, return it to the store tomorrow, and get a $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Holy Cow! You'd think that for $500 they'd at least iron it!"





Becky: Do you love me with
all your heart and soul?
Dave: Uh-huh!
Becky: Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?
Dave: Uh-huh!
Becky: Do you think my lips are like rose pedals?
Dave: Uh-huh!
Becky: Oh, you say the sweetest things!




I was middle-aged when I went back to college, which meant
that some of my classmates were 20 years younger. Still,
many became my friends. I ran into one of them recently in
a restaurant he manages, and he, my husband, and I all had
a pleasant chat at the cashier's counter. As we said
good-bye, my young friend explained to the couple behind us,
"She and I were college classmates." I noticed the confused
look on their faces. Later, I asked my husband,
"What do you suppose they were thinking?"

"Either that he's had a very easy life," he replied, "or that
you've had a very hard one."




"My mother-in-law is a travel agent by trade, she specializes in guilt trips"

[Real_Regulator]

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None... "Um yah, that’s a, uh, hardware problem."



WASHINGTON,D.C. -- Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters.

If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking
meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."



A university comes up with a way to help students decide between a mathematics major or an engineering major.

They line the candidates up along one side of the gym. On the other side they line up attractive members of the opposite sex. Then they are given the following instructions: Every ten seconds you may walk half way to your partner on the opposite side. When you reach your partner you may kiss him or her as the case may be.

Some of the candidates leave and become mathematicians. The others stay and become engineers.

Because the mathematicians know that it is impossible to reach the other side given the directions.

But the engineers know they will get close enough for practical purposes.




My girlfriend came running up to me and anounced breathlessly, "That girl from Legally Blonde has been stabbed, you know, Reese something"
Horrified I reply " Witherspoon?"
Deadpan response " No, with a knife"

A man was out of work, and he was combing through the want ads. He saw that a school was looking for a bus driver, so he called and was asked to come for an interview. He got the job, and was surprised when he went out and found that the bus was garishly painted with Big Bird, Bert & Ernie, and Elmo. Still, a job's a job, he thought.

As he went about his route, he stopped and picked up twin girls. These girls were rather portly, and as they entered the bus the first one said, "My name's Patty." The man asked the second twin her name and she said, "My name's Patty also."

Further along, there was a boy who was trying to put on a James Dean-esque cool image. As he got on the bus, he said, "yo! I'm Leonard T." He said in the seat right behind the driver, so the driver could see him in his mirror.

They were almost back to the school, and made one last stop. The kid who got on announced, "I'm Ross... and I'm special."

As they made their way back to the school, the driver noticed to his disgust that the kid sitting right behind him had removed one shoe to reveal a horrible case of bunions, which he was picking at.

As soon as they got to school, the man went to the principal's office, threw down the bus keys on his desk, and announced he was quitting. "Is something wrong?" asked the principal?

"I can't take this!" yelled the man. "I've got two all beef Pattys, special Ross, Leonard T. picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!"




TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took
her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest
blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being
six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression
suddenly changed.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of the
story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong.




1.Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. O K, so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt Tomorrow.



--RR--
:walkman:

[prk166]

[montgjules]

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[AreliusIV]

Originally Posted by montgjules

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!

A few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 (Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."

Oh my gosh, that is the funniest joke I've heard in a long time!!!
🕺 🕺 🕺

[RSL_Fan]

Here is something for a little laugh. Free kick?

[prk166]

I heard that Landon tested positive for high levels of estrogen.