Time to lighten up

[AreliusIV]

On a crowded airliner, a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper
tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to
try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick
the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an
upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers something into
the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his
mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the
minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
stewardess takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says
quietly, "but what magic words did you use on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he
didn't cut that mess out, I'd throw him out a window."




After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested
that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed
his eyes as he looked at his wife. "I didn't mean the next diaper. I
meant the next baby."

[AreliusIV]

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield; it said 'Parking Fine’.


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on.



TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it
is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home



A very attractive blonde woman from Texas arrived at a casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."



A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,
"Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."





A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to
bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a
beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't
serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer,
I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender then says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to
belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats
the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bel-
ligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a bar*****youate."





"Women claim that what they look for in a man in a sense of
humor, but I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your
bra...George Clooney or the Three Stooges?"

[AreliusIV]

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in Fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start things out with my bear."



A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.

"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." he said.

"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"

"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she
asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."



The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back
and turned into a pillar of salt ---- when little Jason interrupted.

"My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced
trium phantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"



A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize
one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave
the youngsters a month to learn the verse.

Little Rick was excited about the task--but, he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past
the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite
Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said
proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."



A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."
With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the
man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin.
Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call.
He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...."
The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told
you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means."
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!"
The father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"



While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in
the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy
would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to a lacy thing
with matching robe.
"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER
wear THAT!"



A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can
be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me
beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me
stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

[Real_Regulator]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in America.



The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."



Mujibar said, "I am ready."



The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."



Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready"



The manager said, "Go ahead."



Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"



Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.


--RR-- :walkman:

[AreliusIV]

Sally was a girl with no horseback riding experience,
yet one day she decided to take her chances. As she
climbed on the big Palomino, it took off at a gallop.
Sally was sliding off. She tried to grab the mane but
she couldn't seem to get a grip. So in a great rush
she threw herself from the thundering horse, but her
foot got caught in the stirrup. She was at the mercy
of the pounding hooves, near unconsciousness, when...
The Wall-Mart manager came out to turn the ride off.



A drunk stumbled out of the Metropole Hotel, fell into a cab and told the driver. "Take me to the Metropole."

"We're there," said the cabbie.

"OK" said the drunk, taking a 10 dollar bill from his wallet, "but next time don't drive so fast."



During a tour of Boston, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
Cape for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the
Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A
helpless man, wearing a pin-striped Yankees jersey, was struggling
frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three
men wearing Red Sox jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark
s'side.

The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Yankee
fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to
death and hauled it, too, into the boat.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give
you my blessing for your brave actions," he said. "I have been told
about there being bad blood between Sox and Yankee fans but now I have
seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and
has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he
doesn't know jack about shark fishing.

Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one?"




Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."




Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully
slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our
cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."




A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar
and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting
at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans
over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies
are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at
the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on
with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the
biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one
more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your
grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the
shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says............

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk



"You know you're a redneck when......


1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.


2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.


3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.


4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.


5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.


6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.


7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.


8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.


9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.


10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.


11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.


14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.


15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.


16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.


17. You have a rag for a gas cap.


18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.


19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.


20. You can spit without opening your mouth.


21. You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.


22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say
"Cool Whip" on the side.


24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.


25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.


26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.


27. A tornado hits your neighborhood
and does $100,000 worth of improvements.


28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.


29. You missed your 5th grade graduation
because you were on jury duty.




Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year- old girl to hold the light high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did
as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after
a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his
little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The
paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place. spank his bottom again."



During the last election campaign, a well-known politician stopped at
an Indian village to deliver a speech. "If I am elected," he began,
"I shall see that you noble redmen and women are treated with the
respect your heritage deserves." The Indians responded with loud
cries of "Oompah! Oompah !" The politician beamed and continued,
"I'll see that a washing machine is installed in every tepee."
"Oompah !" the Indians shouted. The politician bowed, and said, "I'll
see that every Indian family has a new automobile." As he finished,
the Indians roared out their mightiest "Oompah !" The chief then came
forward and delivered a speech in eloquent English and concluded by
saying, "The Indians of this reservation take great pleasure in
presenting to you, as a token of our esteem, our finest Indian pony."
The politician stepped forward to mount the horse, when the chief
cried out, "Be careful, don't step-in the 'Oompah.'"




A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to
his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was
put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a
container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a
container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a
container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following
results:

--The first worm in alcohol: Dead.
--The second worm in cigarette smoke: Dead.
--Third worm in chocolate syrup: Dead.
--Fourth worm in good clean soil: Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from
this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As
long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[AreliusIV]

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."



o Did you hear about the blonde who asked for an aisle seat on an
flight so her hair wouldn't get messing from sitting by the
window.



o A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need
some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said,
"I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a
minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After awhile, the blonde returned to the office and said, "A long
time. We're gonna build a house."



o The blonde reports for his University final examination that
consists of Y/N type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his
wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking
the answer sheet, Y for Heads and N for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class
is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen
desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But now, I'm not going to
have enough time to finish rechecking my answers!"



It seems that a young man volunteered for military service
during World War II.

He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent
right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best
flier on the base. So they could do was give him his gold
wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier
in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly
shot down 6 enemy planes.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled
the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to
the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did
I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied,

"You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"




Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils;
people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.




Two guys are out fishing and sipping beer while discussing football
and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Guy #1 says "I think I'm going to divorce my
wife----- she hasn't spoken to me in over 6 months.

Guy #2 sips his beer and says "you better think it over - women
like that are hard to find."



On their honeymoon, the pretty bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"

[AreliusIV]

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can
only be seen in the rearview mirror.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Predestination was doomed from the start.

There should be a better reward for promptness than having
to wait for everyone else.



A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"



Knock Knock

Who's there?

Ice cream soda

Ice cream soda who?

I scream soda people can hear me.



A missionary is sent into the deepest, darkest part of Africa to live with a tribe.

He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and preaching to them about the good Christian ways of the white man.

One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin: Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby.

The village is shocked and the chief is sent to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even Stevie Wonder could see what's been going on!"

The missionary replies, "No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See the flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them, one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion."

"Tell you what," the chief says, "You never mention the sheep again, and I won't say anything about the baby."



The Lambert's were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr Lambert made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas
or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I
wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly.
"Now, which tooth is it?" Mr Lambert turned to his wife Jenny: "Show him
your tooth, Honey."



"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just
before I went under I heard the one thing you don't want to hear,
'Where's my lucky scalpel?'"


Here's some good news. Drug use among teenagers is down. Teenagers
are saying "No" to drugs. Now if we can just get the teenagers to
say "No" to their teachers we'd be in great shape.



Ms Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the
discovery of America by Columbus. She concluded with, "And all
this happened more than 500 years ago."

"Gosh!" exclaimed Little Johnny, "What a great memory you have!"




Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they
happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says,
"Convert to

Catholicism and get $10."

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend
turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out
twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"




My wife had been to see her doctor about a problem
with pressure in her head. She thought she had an ear
infection but the doctor said that her ear canal was
much too narrow, and this was creating the pressure
and pain. So...the next Sunday, when they asked for
prayer requests, I stood up. Knowing time was short
and that I had to say my piece and sit down, I got
slightly flustered and couldn't remember the actual
diagnosis. So here's what came out:

"I'd like you to pray for my wife as she has a small
space between her ears"




Man's 5 most feared questions!

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the
truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with
possible responses.


Question 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit
pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,thoughtful,
caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:

a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."


Question 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is
necessary: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?


Question 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.



Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.


Question 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and
a boat".)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up
questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Sh*t




Employee Handbook


UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK

DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we
see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you
dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict
3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and
a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be
posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for
lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be
directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

[AreliusIV]

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs
and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table
to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize
to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus
MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a
shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of
registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic
events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off
the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states:
"Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of
registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so
forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the
registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of
registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal
tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan,
because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to
make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire
under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."




A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks
Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before,
B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else
spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the
teacher says, "No, that's wrong."

The teacher asks, "Little Johnny can you spell 'before'?" Little Johnny
stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." "Excellent Johnny, now
can you use it in a sentence?" Little Johnny says, "That's easy.
Two plus two be fore."




Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"



A man was coming out of church one day. As usual, the preacher stood
at the door to shake hands. When the man got to him, the pastor
grabbed him by the hand, pulled him aside and said to him, "You need
to join the Army of the Lord!"

The man replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except at
Christmas and Easter?"

The man leaned forward and whispered, "I'm in the secret service."

[AreliusIV]

A man came home from work and found his three
children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the
mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn
all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car
was open, as was the front door to the house and
there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger
mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw
rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon
channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and
various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the
sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge
door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a
broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand
was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and
more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried
she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its
way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he
found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn
over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and
toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled
up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked
up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened
here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know
every day when you come home from work and you ask
me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his
incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."



A patient complained to his doctor,
"I've been to three other doctors
and none of them agreed with your
diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait
until the autopsy, then they'll see
that I was right."




One day, a blonde went to a seafood resturant and saw the tank
where they kept the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures
and hid them in her purse.

Later, she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.



It was John's turn to drive carpool into town on a day when a new member was travelling along for the first time. As they rode along, he began to be suspicious of his new carpooling passenger.

John checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that was on the seat between him and the new passenger, but... it wasn't there! Next, he slammed on the brakes, ordered the fellow out, and said, "Hand over the wallet immediately!"

The frightened carpooler handed over a billfold, and John droveoff, leaving him alone at the side of the road.

When he arrived home that evening, he started to tell his wife about the experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget, John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"

[AreliusIV]

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.



Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home? Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?



Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!



Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it!



Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes



Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends



Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl



Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind



"The Bolshoi Ballet in Russia has fired one of Russia's best known
ballerinas after some of the male dancers complained she was too fat to
lift. They called her the nutcracker."




A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
'exciting' and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the
teacher called on walked up to the front of the class ..... and with a
piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back
down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a
period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was 'missing'
one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door
joined the Navy.




Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are
those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes,
and return with three enemies.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging,
and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count,
criticize or laugh.




A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much
to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."




I think, therefore I'm single.




Your child has started growing up when he stops asking
you where he came from and starts refusing to tell you
where he's going.